There are 64 days left to the end of the year, and I need to make some plans for the future. If I have a direction to take, then I can make a cohesive plan and work towards it. I’ve always been kind of trash at planning though, so this is an attempt to combat that, and really lay some solid, serious, and realistic groundwork for myself.
Become a slam poet, quit my job, move into a squatters palace with 9 other people who play in a noise rock band, eat food I steal out of dumpsters, and grow a gross and patchy beard that always has dumpster food in it.
Flaws: I can’t live with 9 fucking people. I would kill 8 of them with the severed arm of the ninth one.
Cut off one of my legs, change my name to Barry Fox, and start running across Canada, starting from the west side this time.
Flaws: I like both of my legs. I’m also not a decent enough human being to be anything at all like Terry Fox. Who is though? Really?
Move to Los Angeles, and find a wealthy older woman whom I will seduce. Seduction will begin by cleaning her pool and lighting her long thin menthol cigarettes. While I live in the guesthouse of her manor, I will patiently wait for her to die and leave her inheritance to me, while I throw all manner of parties for all of my cool young California friends. After her death, I will live the wealthy life of California royalty, and spend all of my waking hours in a very nice cashmere robe I found in one of the nine closets in the house.
Flaws: Sounds way too much like the plot of Sunset Boulevard. Also, I don’t want to clean pools. Also, I don’t have enough friends to throw lavish parties.
Actually learn to meditate. Move to Nepal and move into some kind of mountainside monastery where I will finally achieve total relaxation. Eventually, my transformation will be so complete that I will lose all sense of my current being. When friends of mine from my former plain come and visit me, I well greet them calmly and say, “ah yes, Brady, I once new someone by that name.”
Flaws: I can’t stay still for more than ten seconds, so meditation is out. Also, the idea of living in a monastery without decent coffee and bookstores within five blocks sounds about as calming as having my prostate checked with a Phillips head screwdriver.
Become a minimalist, and live on nothing but rice. Throw out all of the furniture in my apartment, all of the books except for one copy of Rise and Fall of the Third Reich, and all of my records except for one copy of John Coltrane’s a Love Supreme. Devout my entire life to the study of these two works.
Flaws: I have four copies of Rise and Fall of the Third Reich, and I’ve still never managed to read it, so what about my sudden transition to a minimalist lifestyle would change that? I mean, if it was the only thing I had to read I might finally get through the fucking thing. Also, I’m really attached to my furniture, to the point every stick of it feels like a piece of my soul; which might sound a tad materialistic to you if you’ve never had to scour craigslist for bookshelves.
Become the kind of person who makes smoothies. Make smoothies for every meal. Buy some bike shorts and start being one of those fitness people who’s every update on social media is a distance covered that day. Get a bumper sticker for the Volkswagen I buy that proclaims my love for cycling. Buy two Maine Coon cats and name them after characters in fantasy novels. Measure the carbs of everything I eat and eventually decide to become a vegan, but one of those quiet vegans who isn’t all in your face about it.
Flaws: Sounds like way too much fucking work.
Start a ranch for old dogs, and then live in my fields among aging puppies that I’ve given human names. Grow a beard, grow carrots and eventually learn to speak dog through an intense study of their elder movements and barks.
Flaws: Absolutely goddamn nothing, except that I’m a shit gardener, so anybody waiting for carrots would starve to death, me included.
Learn how to play the bassoon, and then find a bunch of like-minded bassoon players to start a bassoon only The Jesus and Mary Chain cover band. Think up a kitschy name to put on all the flyers that makes people expel more air than normal out of their noise in a short burst. Achieve worldwide fame.
Flaws: I’m not tall enough to play the bassoon. Also, nobody who plays the bassoon has ever achieved any kind of mainstream success, and nobody even fucking listens to The Jesus and Mary Chain anymore.
Move to Morocco and become a street musician. Eventually, I’ll become a YouTube sensation when my astounding act of saving someone from a motorcycle crash is filmed by a bunch of visiting tourists from Germany. People will eventually track me down when I return to my home country, and my fame will hit an apex during a very successful reddit AMA.
Flaws: I can’t play an instrument, so that rules out being a street musician. Also, I somehow doubt that after months of eating nothing but the food my street musician wages would gain me, which would be an astounding sum of: fuck all, that I would be saving anyone from a motorcycle accident.
Also, fuck reddit.
Write, eat, relax, solve problems, buy a blender, and build structure.