As I stated in my last post, I am going through Rolling Stone Magazine’s Best Albums of 2014 and fixing it.
To begin the re-organization of the list, I first need to go through all of the albums on it. What follows is that process, in all its wonderful glory, for albums 50 – 40.
50.) Yob – Clearing the Path to Ascend
There is an intern at Rolling Stone Magazine who has long hair, tons of tattoos, and looks exactly like the person you think of when you think of someone who smokes lots of pot in their car and listens to Slayer. This was that intern’s pick for this list; a stoner metal album that sounds like every other stoner metal album. Which means it fucking rocks, and that I want to hang out with that intern.
49.) Tinariwen – Emmaar
A quick read on Wikipedia shows that this band is made up of complete bad-asses. A quick listen to this album shows that the band also makes kick ass blues-desert music that you should play for anyone who doesn’t think world music could be cool. Also, the band recorded this album without one of their guitarists, because terrorists had abducted him. But no, Rolling Stone Magazine, it’s Taylor Swift who is, “Punk.”
48.) Coldplay – Ghost Stories
I once had a neighbor who would fall asleep listening to Coldplay, and all night long I would have to listen to one of their albums spinning on repeat forever. Thank fuck Ghost Stories wasn’t released at that time, because I probably would have burned down the building. It’s not like the music is unpleasant to listen to, it’s just boring as fuck and unremarkable. On another note, it’s probably one of the only albums in the correct place on the list. (Although its true correct place is off the list entirely.)
47.) Gary Clark Jr. – Gary Clark Jr. Live
Almost all live albums suck, so the balls it takes to release a double live album is admirable. It helps that Gary Clark Jr., and his balls, are fucking aces on the guitar. I’m giving him Skrillex’ spot on the list just on principle, because all Skrillex does live is a whole bunch of fuck all.
46.) Tweedy – Sukieriae
A solo album from the dude from Wilco, a band I haven’t listened to because I’m remarkably uncool. Apparently his kid plays drums on this record, so it’s nice to see them hanging out and having a good father to son relationship. However, it probably would have been easier for them to just play catch, so that I didn’t have to listen to 20 songs worth of pretty okay slow jams. Although I will admit that I turned it up once or twice.
45.) EMA – The Future’s Void
So apparently Noise-Folk is a thing. Who knew? It certainly sounds cool until it slows down and sounds like every other type of “Electronic meets Whatever.” I’m moving it higher on the list though, because it has a song called Cthulhu, and referencing the awesome Elder God is a fast track ticket to the warmest parts of my heart. Even if the album sometimes feels like you’re awkwardly hanging out with Marianne Faithful’s freaky daughter.
44.) Interpol – El Pintor
A bunch of cookie-cutter New York kids who are cooler than me but less cool than The Strokes (who would totally win in a pretentious, overly well dressed but somehow still slovenly fight between both bands.) The music is fine I guess, I just had a terrible feeling throughout the whole affair that Interpol and this album would be the next thing I’d need to lie about loving during a conversation with an attractive girl.
43.) Future – Honest
I know nothing about rap music. If Kanye West doesn’t release it and then backhand a member of the much deserving to be backhanded paparazzi, then I probably don’t know it exists. In all honesty though, this sounds great, and I look forward to turning it down at red lights because I’m lame. Also, the list was due to have a Hip Hop album, because going through 10 entries without one would have been wrong.
42.) Perfume Genius – Too Bright
This album sounds like the soundtrack to all of those scenes in movies where a character tries to piece together the shattered remains of their broken life. Since I don’t want to do that, because I can’t afford therapy, I didn’t really enjoy it. Rolling Stone called it, “Fierce,” which tells me they didn’t listen to the fucking thing.
41.) Aphex Twin – Syro
I like listening to every ringtone on my phone as much as the next person, and that might actually sound better than this Aphex Twin record. I don’t know how this album made the list. I thought electronic music was supposed to be fun? This is the kind of album someone puts on when they want everyone to leave their house at the end of a party.
40.) Jack White – Lazaretto
I call it the “Quentin Tarantino Effect.” That’s where an artist reminds me every 30 seconds of who they are by slapping me in the face with their dick. Tarantino does it with 72 minute scenes where everyone just yakks about fuck all like a bunch of coke addicts, and Jack White does it by making albums like this. Everyone knows what Jack White albums sound like, and everyone knows that you spend most of the good, tasty blues songs he has waiting for the next violin laden country tribute song that’s strictly on the album so that Pitchfork can use the word “Americana” when they review it. I bought this album on vinyl because it came with 20,000 bells and whistles, and I don’t think I ever flipped it over, because Side 2 is all bullshit. Also, Jack, runoff grooves are annoying. Nobody likes them and they eat your turntable needles. Blunderbuss was better. Fuck you Jack White, nobody wants to go to school with your kids either.
Also, I liked your other band, The White Stripes better. Icky Thump was the best rock album of the last fucking decade, and now you’re doing shit like this. It makes me sad for you Jack. Even at half good you’re still pretty goddamn good, which pisses me off even more. I expect them to suck, and I expect you to be better. You’re busy telling everyone else in the music industry that everything they do is complete shit, while you record on hunks of stone or whatever to try get the music “back to its roots”, but then you release songs that I am 10,000% sure you thought up in a goddamn afternoon and put on the record simply because you’re Jack White.
Lazaretto is okay.