It is the March of Discontent. Thankfully, that’s an improvement over the February of Anguish. I’m adrift, and I find myself thinking through things and coming up with nothing but the frayed ends of ideas. The problems are clearer this month, but the solutions are difficult.
I find myself asking the question, “What do I want?” and the answer is always a simple, “not this.”
So now I know that I don’t want to keep doing what I’m doing. That’s as clear and as biting as this extended winter that the city is still lousy with. The direction isn’t as clear though. On the one hand I have a feeling that I need to start doing something for myself that makes me happy, on the other hand is a heap of realism that tells me that a good job and the good money that comes with it are more important than what I was doing before. I wasn’t happy before either, but I don’t think I was doing I wanted back then either.
Fuck, being an adult is a miserable practice.
I took a long walk today, to think about all of this and try to get some mental traction on what needs to happen going forward, and like all Canadian post-winter walks, it ended up at a Tim Horton’s. I got a regular coffee and a bagel. Then I was out of ideas again.