It’s the aftermath of Christmas. I’m back home and enjoying being in my own place, in my own groove, and sleeping in my own bed. Not that I dislike heading home for the holidays or anything, but fuck, sometimes a dude needs to return to his own dark hole and just revel in how warm and cozy it is.
Every year without fail, my mom grabs me some kind of Axe Body Wash Extreme for Christmas. I’m always thankful for this, as it’s expensive stuff, and it’s not something I would ever go out and buy myself, I’m usually happy with water and a slim, worn down bar of Irish Spring. Anyway, post Christmas, I’m always soaping myself with the luxury stuff.
I take long showers. I enjoy myself, I want to fucking soak in comfort. Hell, in the summer I’ll bring an ice cold beer in with me and make an event of the whole thing. However, today, I was just delaying getting out. Not doing anything special, just standing there. So, I decided to read the back of this Axe Extreme Body Wash, just to see what they had to say about the product.
First, the so-called scent of the wash is “anarchy.” Now, I don’t know how the people of Axe view the world, but to me the smell of anarchy is charred flesh, burning tires, gunpowder, and the masses screaming in the streets. Alas, that doesn’t get the ladies like it used to. I guess they just decided to pick as extreme a word as possible.
Second. Axe has tried to put forth this notion that using their products makes you completely irresistible to the opposite sex, and that five minutes after leaving the shower covered in Anarchy, you will be immediately trampled by screamingly horny women who can’t wait to do Prince song type things to your freshly washed body. Yup, all you needed to do was put on some body-wash in the shower, and suddenly you’ll be locked into threesomes with supermodels and orgies with porn stars. No woman will be able to resist you, you are now a god, shooting scented hormones out of every pore you have.
What kind of bullshit is this nonsense I exclaimed to myself, staring at the bottle with a confused look on my face. Who believes this fucking trash? Bathing is something you should just want to do in general, are there people out there who need the fallacy of eternal bangs to make them take a fucking shower? There must be, as the people who own Axe bathe in the exclusive scent of endless cash and cocaine earned from millions of low self-esteem shower people.
I left the shower, and found myself alone, not surrounded by naked women. Apparently I had used the product incorrectly. I’m probably just being bitter, thinking people take this shit seriously. I also probably sound like I don’t know what marketing is, or what advertising is used for. But fuck all that.
I wonder what they would advertise the effects of Irish Whiskey to be if they had to put them to the same level of Axe Body spray? Perfect Irish accent? You’d attract all the lasses? Your prose would be stronger? You could drink a flat of Guinness and bemoan the Black and Tans?
I don’t know where I’m going with this.